I gave up Tinder (and 4 other dating apps) for Lent. I am unbelievably proud of myself for doing this but I was a little too excited to download them again once Lent ended.
Yesterday morning, I downloaded Tinder again as I laid in bed with no electricity and began my swipe journey.
These are 5 things I learned since being back on Tinder in the past 24 hours
I heard his voice today. In my head. It’s been so long I have almost forgotten what it sounds like.
It happened at church. The priest was reading the gospel and I closed my eyes, just for a moment, and I could hear him tell me one of the many jokes I had heard time and time again before.
I love the way you make me feel
When I’m with you, I feel like I can conquer the world
Achieve bigger and better things
Your dreams are just as big as mine are
Can you imagine what we could accomplish together?
You could be Jay-Z and I could be your Beyonce.
Together we could build an empire
I hate the way you make me feel
When I’m without you
I don’t feel like I am of much value
Just a notch on your belt
In your bed
You said you were different
You showed that you could be
But then why do I question everything?
We both said time is precious
And I would hate to be wasting it
So if you’ve been in my inner circle in the past four days (but feels like a lifetime), you’ll know that the most recent event in my life is that I got “ghosted.”
First of all, the fact that “ghosting” is a word in pop culture today makes me want to punch someone in the face. The fact that the action exists makes me even more mad.
Second of all, if you ghost someone, I hate you. There, I said it. It does not make things “any easier” by just shutting them out of your life completely seemingly out of nowhere. It’s one thing to drift away and talk to them less and let the person see it coming. But being blindsided is a pain I cannot explain.
Maybe I’m overreacting (I’m probably overreacting) to the whole situation. I want to describe it all to you. I really do. But honestly, it’s a waste of my time and energy and a waste of yours to read it.
If you are still not entirely sure what ghosting is, see the image below (thanks Google images).
I am not one for taking risks.
I think it’s because my dad was a very anxious person and would get nervous at just the thought of me riding my bike to school.
I play it safe. It’s how I have always operated.
Grown-up dating sucks. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
It isn’t like when we liked someone we used to sit beside in one of our classes when the magic would just happen and then abra cadabra you were dating. This is total “meet a random guy, maybe go on a date or two, and see how it goes.”
However, in the few grown-up dates I have been on, I will say they taught me more about myself than I expected. Here is a list of things I learned from guys I have gone on dates with:
Well hello blog, it’s been a while.
Have you ever had a moment where you are laying on your bed, staring at the ceiling, and suddenly it feels as if the walls are caving in on you? You feel a tightness in your chest and your breathing becomes difficult. In other words, they are my precursors to a full blown panic attack (which I have not had in nearly a year).
When I visited my doctor last Wednesday, he was proud of the progress I have made. He says I am cognitively aware of what is making me anxious lately and that is important.
Us anxiety-ridden folk are wired differently than the average human. Here are a few things I have had on my mind:
- I hate myself.
- Well, I’m proud of the person I am, but I hate the way I look.
- Maybe I’ll never find someone who will understand me like I will need them to.
- Grownup dating sucks.
- I hate dating.
- Maybe I’ll give up dating for a while.
- Maybe I’ll be alone forever.
- I need to exercise
- I don’t have time to exercise
- Does running away from my feelings count as exercise?
- Or running away from my thoughts?
- Why can’t I sleep at night
- I need sleep.
- Work is exhausting
- I love my job though
- But I need to go back to school
- School is going to cost money
- I don’t have money
- My car has problems
- I have to pay for bills and insurance
- And my credit card bill makes me want to cry.
- Maybe I’ll be broke forever between bills, school, and student loans.
- Maybe I’ll volunteer to take my mind off school
- Volunteering is taking up all of my spare time
- What is spare time?
- I don’t have enough time to spend with my mom
- What if something happens to my mom just months after my dad passed away?
- I’m not ready to face that.
- I miss my dad and wish he was here for me to talk to
- Especially about things like my check engine light
- Or just here to give me a hug when I feel like my world is breaking down.
- I can’t breathe.
- I have so many things to do and I am behind in all of them
- And it’s the summer. Aren’t I supposed to enjoy my summer?
- I still can’t breathe.
- Okay, maybe I’ll smoke a cigarello to make me feel better.
- My doctor says that’s avoidance so it probably won’t help with anything
- I shouldn’t start smoking.
- I’m crying.
- I feel alone.
- I don’t know what to do with my life
- Or with myself
- Maybe laying on the floor will help
- My heart is racing
- Breathe in… breathe out.
- I have emails to check.
- I should make a to-do list.
- And check my agenda.
- I forgot to breathe.
- Breathe in…breathe out.
And this is only to name a few. Writing out my thoughts often help and I hate that I have stopped to take the time to do so either here or in my journal. Life isn’t easy. Growing up isn’t easy. And I am in one of the biggest transitional periods of my life. It is okay to stop and take a day or a moment just for me. It’s okay to say no to certain situations. It’s okay to feel anxious. This feeling won’t last forever.