I can’t remember the last time I wrote something like this. June 4th was my last posting and that’s about the time it all went downhill.
I had the first panic attack I’ve had in over a year and a half a week or so ago. I was in a dark place. But I scraped by.
It felt like I was starting over. It still does. Each day, I feel the symptoms I had as a little kid: upset stomach- the awful pit that got me out of gym class one too many times, the headaches, the dizziness. And that’s just the anxiety symptoms.
The thing that sucks about having an anxiety disorder but also suffering from depression is that they do NOT go well together.
Anxiety: “Michelle, you have 500 things to do today. Better get up and do them.”
Depression: “Remember all those things you love doing? Well, you don’t love them anymore. Stay in bed.”
The cycle continues.
I haven’t been able to sleep. The occasional melatonin tablet (don’t take 2 and only sleep 5 hours. Lesson learned), the occasional but increasingly frequent glass of wine, and whatever else it takes has not helped me sleep any better. I have a FitBit now and it has only made me see hard data for me not sleeping well. I used to think I got 8 hours of sleep every night. I’m lucky if I get 6 or 7 most nights. I’m restless throughout the night. Honestly, I’m restless all the time. I’m restless as I write this.
I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to BE better. I have my knowledge and strategies. I have my support. The battle is still being fought each second of each day. I know I am stronger than this. I have proved that time and time again. But I feel weak and tired and feeling impatient.
Forever hiding my dark cycles behind my dark circles.
It starts with darkness.
You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.
I haven’t written one of these in a while.
I think for my own well-being, I need to write one of these at least once a week.
I needed to catch up. With life. With myself.
Life has been a juggling act lately. I work my 12 hour shifts. I am completing my Masters part time. I am assisting in the planning of a convention. I am planning an event with another organization. I just need to pause.
Well I haven’t done one of these things in a while so happy Friday!
I struggle with body image. If you’ve read past blogs, this is no surprise. Call it a side effect of my anxiety medication. Call it lifestyle changes. Call it whatever you want. But every day when I look in the mirror, a part of me is uncomfortable with the reflection I see.
I have come a long way in the last few years. I have become more secure in my own skin. I feel more comfortable when I look in the mirror than I did two years ago.
I gave up Tinder (and 4 other dating apps) for Lent. I am unbelievably proud of myself for doing this but I was a little too excited to download them again once Lent ended.
Yesterday morning, I downloaded Tinder again as I laid in bed with no electricity and began my swipe journey.
These are 5 things I learned since being back on Tinder in the past 24 hours
Well, it’s Good Friday. Hope everyone has a Happy Easter weekend with your friends and family.
Here’s this week’s Facebook Note Friday.
TGIF everyone! 🙂 Although I am just finishing up my shift at work, here is this week’s Facebook Note Friday post. The theme is “3.” Enjoy 🙂
I heard his voice today. In my head. It’s been so long I have almost forgotten what it sounds like.
It happened at church. The priest was reading the gospel and I closed my eyes, just for a moment, and I could hear him tell me one of the many jokes I had heard time and time again before.
Happy Friday, WordPress friends! I haven’t blogged about other things in a while because I have successfully been able to keep my anxiety under control for the most part and have given up on boys and coffee.
In the meantime, here is this week’s facebook note Friday.