It starts with darkness.
You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.
As I will be attending a conference tomorrow, and probably going out in the evening, I thought while I am watching 30 Rock on my break at work, I’d do facebook note Friday.
So here we go… Enjoy!
Almost a month ago, I was re-introduced to the concept of Facebook notes and how they used to be the “in” thing to do. I filled one out and it can be read here.
As this week has been stressful with work, school, and life, I lay here in bed and am brought back to the idea of filling out a “Facebook note” while catching up on Season 5 of Scandal.
So here we go…
Read the rest of this entry
I am not one for taking risks.
I think it’s because my dad was a very anxious person and would get nervous at just the thought of me riding my bike to school.
I play it safe. It’s how I have always operated.
The funny thing about depression is that it consumes you.
I lied. It’s really not that funny.
I haven’t had a panic attack in months. I can’t remember the last time I had one. Maybe it’s not something I like to keep track of, so how would I remember?
All I know is I feel like I’m having a small one now. And it’s scary and it’s frightening. It consumes me.
I have tried everything: my breathing techniques, closing my eyes, counting to ten, looking at my peripheries in the mirror, talking to a friend, changing the subject, you name it.
I’m shaking and my heartbeat echoes in my head. My first tear just broke and I’m stumbling to catch my breath again. I’m writing this in hopes that it helps: that it forces me to focus on typing rather than break down into a million pieces.
School is the trigger this time around. It’s that time of year where I have a midterm, an essay, and two assignments due this week. I need to do well on this upcoming midterm because I did poorly on the last one. I need to do well on my essay because I am doing so well otherwise in the course. I need my marks to be good so I can go to grad school in the future. I don’t know what my future holds and the uncertainty is consuming me from the inside out.
All I want to do is cry. A good cry would help me right now. Instead, I feel numb. I feel emotionless. My vision is spotty and I want to just fall asleep. Just for a few minutes. But I can’t. When I rest my head, the panic sets in again. I have too much to do. I need to get some work done before my meeting tonight. I feel like I have chosen to allocate my time in the wrong ways. Last night I went out to the bar. I justified it by saying I wouldn’t realistically get much work done after 11pm anyways, so I might as well go out with friends. When I say it out loud, the reasoning seems sound. When I sit here right now, my body shakes at the thought of wasting my time.
I feel so weak. I have come such a long way since my battle with PD started. Am I just losing all over again? Maybe the battle was not even won in the first place.
Today’s blog title is inspired by “Going Away to College” – Blink-182
When I was in my second year, I took a class called Abnormal Psychology. At first, I loved it. I was so excited because finally I was going to take a course that interests me more than any other course I have taken.
The prof had a disclaimer at the beginning of the term: “Don’t try and diagnose yourself based on the symptoms you see here. Odds are, you will think you have something when you don’t.”
It wasn’t until the section on anxiety disorders when I started feeling uncomfortable being in class. I would feel as though the words he was saying were about me. I stopped going. At least until that section was over, anyways. The funny thing (and I use that loosely) was that I had not been diagnosed yet. So I made the brave decision to go to the doctor and well, the rest is history.
This year, in my fourth year, I am taking a class called Mental Health. On the first day of lecture, I started having the same feelings I did in my other class. I felt as though when my professor would say things like, “No one really knows what it is like to be someone with a mental disorder” and “there is a negative stigma surrounding having a mental disorder” that again, the words related so much to my life. So much, in fact, that I began to feel uncomfortable. My negative, intrusive thoughts floated in my head.
Had I been the same person I was two years ago, I would have either dropped the class or stopped going to class. Seeing how much I have changed and gotten stronger really opened my eyes that day. It has been a long time since I have had a panic attack. I couldn’t even tell you when the last time I had one was, that is how long it has been.
I have been so worried that with the feelings of loss finally sinking in deeper that I would start to feel my anxiety more than ever. Luckily, I have not. With the start of a new and stressful semester, I worry that being overwhelmed will evoke negative reactions but I feel confident that I will not break.
So here’s to smooth sailing in 2015!
Today’s blog post title is inspired by “Brain Damage” – Pink Floyd
They say (and by they, I mean UberFacts) that if you write down your worries before a test, statistically, you perform better.
My first midterm of my last undergraduate year is tonight. Since it is in 38 minutes (but who’s counting?), I thought I would take a few minutes (and take a few deep breaths) to write some down.
In no particular order,
1. I worry my grades won’t be good enough for grad school.
2. I worry this test will set the tone for the rest of the semester.
3. I worry about my friends and their demons. I will write about this later.
4. I worry about being confronted in tonight’s night class about things I would rather not think about tonight.
5. I worry I won’t be able to go home as often as I would like to.
6. I worry about the health and well-being of both my parents. I wish I was home to take care of them. I wish being home to take care of them wouldn’t be an anxiety trigger.
7. I worry about my anxiety. It has been getting better just as fast as it has been getting worse.
8. I worry I will succomb to the darkness.
9. I worry that I will forget something on the test and it will completely “cascade” my mood.
^ note, cascade is in quotations as I have to know that a developmental cascade means that improvement in one area, such as processing speed, creates a waterfall effect that also improves working memory and fluid intelligence.
With that positive note, here are some positive facts about this test:
1. I know what developmental cascade is.
2. I made colourful cue cards for key terms and key concepts.
3. I made my own practice questions and am able to answer them all.
4. My breathing has slowed down.
5. I have half an hour until the test starts.
6. There are only 50 questions. I know I just have to take my time and read each question, but also get it finished in 60 minutes.
7. I can get 10 questions wrong and still get 80%.
8. I know that I tried my best so that’s all I can do. The rest is out of my control.
I will probably write a post like this for every test. It helps, surprisingly. I am already starting to feel better.
If I had a gif to describe my life, it would be the one above. While the world is engaged in stressful, or exciting, or happy, or sad, or emotional occurrences… I am Squidward… looking dissatisfied at the environment around me, not flinching at the busy surroundings.
It’s getting to that point where it is the end of the semester.
The end of a year.
Another year closer to being pushed off the edge of the mountain of life where I have to actually decide what I am going to do with my life.
I know I’m not alone when I say that whoever said that high school prepares you for university is a liar. I’m sorry… but that is NOT the case. Not always anyways.
In high school, I’m not gonna lie… I was the kid with like, a 94 average at graduation (damn you, English… I could’ve had a 96). Now… I rejoice if I get a 70.
Not all my marks are bad. Now that I have gotten into the groove of how to study in university and found a program I am in love with, I can breathe a little.
Key word: a little.
It’s not even that the courses you take are necessarily difficult… the work load is honestly enough to make you go mad. Some days, it feels like profs assign you so much work simultaneously that you can’t help but wonder if they all get together and drink high class tea and plan to make everything due at the same time to see who will make it or break it and will result in multiple students dropping out of university but who cares because the university already has their money and the profs will be getting paid and *exhale* .
See what happens? In the stress of the situation, I forget to breathe sometimes. But as I now struggle with anxiety, I need to remember to breathe – slowly and deeply.
So to quickly recap: The work load in school can make you go mad and high school lied.