I can’t remember the last time I wrote something like this. June 4th was my last posting and that’s about the time it all went downhill.
I had the first panic attack I’ve had in over a year and a half a week or so ago. I was in a dark place. But I scraped by.
It felt like I was starting over. It still does. Each day, I feel the symptoms I had as a little kid: upset stomach- the awful pit that got me out of gym class one too many times, the headaches, the dizziness. And that’s just the anxiety symptoms.
The thing that sucks about having an anxiety disorder but also suffering from depression is that they do NOT go well together.
Anxiety: “Michelle, you have 500 things to do today. Better get up and do them.”
Depression: “Remember all those things you love doing? Well, you don’t love them anymore. Stay in bed.”
The cycle continues.
I haven’t been able to sleep. The occasional melatonin tablet (don’t take 2 and only sleep 5 hours. Lesson learned), the occasional but increasingly frequent glass of wine, and whatever else it takes has not helped me sleep any better. I have a FitBit now and it has only made me see hard data for me not sleeping well. I used to think I got 8 hours of sleep every night. I’m lucky if I get 6 or 7 most nights. I’m restless throughout the night. Honestly, I’m restless all the time. I’m restless as I write this.
I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to BE better. I have my knowledge and strategies. I have my support. The battle is still being fought each second of each day. I know I am stronger than this. I have proved that time and time again. But I feel weak and tired and feeling impatient.
Forever hiding my dark cycles behind my dark circles.
It starts with darkness.
You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.
I haven’t written one of these in a while.
I think for my own well-being, I need to write one of these at least once a week.
I needed to catch up. With life. With myself.
Life has been a juggling act lately. I work my 12 hour shifts. I am completing my Masters part time. I am assisting in the planning of a convention. I am planning an event with another organization. I just need to pause.
I struggle with body image. If you’ve read past blogs, this is no surprise. Call it a side effect of my anxiety medication. Call it lifestyle changes. Call it whatever you want. But every day when I look in the mirror, a part of me is uncomfortable with the reflection I see.
I have come a long way in the last few years. I have become more secure in my own skin. I feel more comfortable when I look in the mirror than I did two years ago.
Well, it’s Good Friday. Hope everyone has a Happy Easter weekend with your friends and family.
Here’s this week’s Facebook Note Friday.
I heard his voice today. In my head. It’s been so long I have almost forgotten what it sounds like.
It happened at church. The priest was reading the gospel and I closed my eyes, just for a moment, and I could hear him tell me one of the many jokes I had heard time and time again before.
I haven’t been to talk therapy for my Panic Disorder since I graduated from university in June.
It’s now January of 2016. And today, I went to see a counsellor.
1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
Confused… but getting over it. So let’s say single.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
I can’t recall.
5: Are you interested in anyone right now?
We’ll see where things with this new guy goes.
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
7: Do you want to be single?
I actually don’t mind it.
8: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Stayed in. Got home from work late.
9: How late did you stay up last night?
Maybe like midnight.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
A week ago.
11: Last three things you had to drink?
Water, gatorade, tea.
12: Have you pretended to like someone?
In a non-romantic way, yes.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
It can be.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
I think I was out with my friend Alex obsessing over boys who don’t text back.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
I could but would rather not.
20: What would you name your future daughter?
21: Do you miss anyone?
I miss my dad more than anything.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
I don’t think so. Maybe I have. I actually don’t know.
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
In a car, I believe.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
26: Who did you last see in person?
27: Are you listening to music right now?
Nope, I am watching Parks and Rec.
28: What is something you currently want right now?
money, sleep, my assignment to be over
29: What is the last thing you said out loud?
30: How is your heart lately?
It was not feeling so good last week but it’s feeling a lot better.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
32: Are you wearing socks?
I never wear socks to bed, so no.
33: What do people call you?
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
Don’t really like anyone at the moment, but this guy I’m talking to is pretty cool.
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
A little bit.
36: Who did you last share a bed with?
37: Did you do something bad today?
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
39: Do you get stressed out easily?
I have anxiety, so yes.
40: Will you sing today?
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
My best friends.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
No, but I have been in one when my dad went to the hospital.
44: What are you listening to right now?
Parks and rec.
45: What is wrong with you right now?
46: What is on your wrists right now?
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
Hot chocolate, but I do love cider
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
Not so much.
50: Are you a good artist?
I like art, but some people think I am.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
No, I love my life now despite the feelings I’m having.
53: Ever been on a golf cart?
I have many times.
54: Do you have trust issues?
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?
Many times with many great people.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Not anymore, but I used to
57: Do you use chap stick?
Yes. Especially in winter
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
Not with force
59: Do you have a little sister?
I do not
60: Have you ever been to New York?
Yes, and it is magical
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
My mom means it for reals.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
63: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Probably trying to fall asleep
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yep, I have the best friends.
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
I love having all the space so alone.
69: Will next Friday be a good one?
YES IT WILL! HAPPY 23RD TO ME
So if you’ve been in my inner circle in the past four days (but feels like a lifetime), you’ll know that the most recent event in my life is that I got “ghosted.”
First of all, the fact that “ghosting” is a word in pop culture today makes me want to punch someone in the face. The fact that the action exists makes me even more mad.
Second of all, if you ghost someone, I hate you. There, I said it. It does not make things “any easier” by just shutting them out of your life completely seemingly out of nowhere. It’s one thing to drift away and talk to them less and let the person see it coming. But being blindsided is a pain I cannot explain.
Maybe I’m overreacting (I’m probably overreacting) to the whole situation. I want to describe it all to you. I really do. But honestly, it’s a waste of my time and energy and a waste of yours to read it.
If you are still not entirely sure what ghosting is, see the image below (thanks Google images).