Category Archives: Life
I haven’t written in a long time. Time has escaped me once again, but I don’t feel as if it has been lost.
In fact, I have made good use of my time over the last few months. I have made changes to promote a better well-being for myself.
For one, I have not been afraid to say no. I have accepted change with open arms.
Career-wise, I have stepped into a new role. I am still adjusting to this, but have been so excited to learn and develop my skill set.
I have made more of an effort to catch up with friends I have not seen in a while. I have also taken the time to be by myself when I need it.
I do more things for me. And I have learned there is a difference between being selfish and selfless. This was a hard pill to swallow.
I have zero dating apps on my phone at the moment. Zip. Zero. None. My life is like a cliche, actually. You know how they say “you’ll find someone when you least expect it?” Well, that does happen and sometimes it’s one of your best friends and that is not the worst thing in the world. It’s scary. It’s new. It’s a fruit salad of emotions. But it’s comfortable and exciting and every day gets better and better.
So I haven’t written in a while. Not because I haven’t wanted to but I guess because I haven’t needed to. And that’s okay.
I hope you all have a good weekend.
Until next time.
I broke yesterday. I had one of the largest panic attacks I’ve had in a while. My mom saw it for the first time. And she didn’t like it. She literally said to me, “You’re scaring me.”
I can’t remember the last time I wrote something like this. June 4th was my last posting and that’s about the time it all went downhill.
I had the first panic attack I’ve had in over a year and a half a week or so ago. I was in a dark place. But I scraped by.
It felt like I was starting over. It still does. Each day, I feel the symptoms I had as a little kid: upset stomach- the awful pit that got me out of gym class one too many times, the headaches, the dizziness. And that’s just the anxiety symptoms.
The thing that sucks about having an anxiety disorder but also suffering from depression is that they do NOT go well together.
Anxiety: “Michelle, you have 500 things to do today. Better get up and do them.”
Depression: “Remember all those things you love doing? Well, you don’t love them anymore. Stay in bed.”
The cycle continues.
I haven’t been able to sleep. The occasional melatonin tablet (don’t take 2 and only sleep 5 hours. Lesson learned), the occasional but increasingly frequent glass of wine, and whatever else it takes has not helped me sleep any better. I have a FitBit now and it has only made me see hard data for me not sleeping well. I used to think I got 8 hours of sleep every night. I’m lucky if I get 6 or 7 most nights. I’m restless throughout the night. Honestly, I’m restless all the time. I’m restless as I write this.
I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to BE better. I have my knowledge and strategies. I have my support. The battle is still being fought each second of each day. I know I am stronger than this. I have proved that time and time again. But I feel weak and tired and feeling impatient.
Forever hiding my dark cycles behind my dark circles.
It starts with darkness.
You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.
I haven’t written one of these in a while.
I think for my own well-being, I need to write one of these at least once a week.
I needed to catch up. With life. With myself.
Life has been a juggling act lately. I work my 12 hour shifts. I am completing my Masters part time. I am assisting in the planning of a convention. I am planning an event with another organization. I just need to pause.
I struggle with body image. If you’ve read past blogs, this is no surprise. Call it a side effect of my anxiety medication. Call it lifestyle changes. Call it whatever you want. But every day when I look in the mirror, a part of me is uncomfortable with the reflection I see.
I have come a long way in the last few years. I have become more secure in my own skin. I feel more comfortable when I look in the mirror than I did two years ago.
I heard his voice today. In my head. It’s been so long I have almost forgotten what it sounds like.
It happened at church. The priest was reading the gospel and I closed my eyes, just for a moment, and I could hear him tell me one of the many jokes I had heard time and time again before.
I love the way you make me feel
When I’m with you, I feel like I can conquer the world
Achieve bigger and better things
Your dreams are just as big as mine are
Can you imagine what we could accomplish together?
You could be Jay-Z and I could be your Beyonce.
Together we could build an empire
I hate the way you make me feel
When I’m without you
I don’t feel like I am of much value
Just a notch on your belt
In your bed
You said you were different
You showed that you could be
But then why do I question everything?
We both said time is precious
And I would hate to be wasting it