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New Blog!

Hi everyone!

I am so excited to share with you a new blog I have started to share my experiences with anxiety and some great recipes I have used in my weight loss journey.

Join me at: https://frompanictoplate.com/ 

Cheers!

– M

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Update.

I’m getting worse and worse at keeping up with this blog even though lately I have needed to write more than ever.

So much has happened since my last post. I have a new set of clients for work. My location of work has changed. My dad’s 80th birthday (or what would’ve been) just passed. Balancing a social life with school and work has continued to be a challenge.

I don’t do well with change as I’m sure many people with anxiety experience. I stopped going to therapy (even though it was free) because I really disliked my therapist. She was awful. I didn’t feel a connection and I didn’t feel like the strategies she taught me helped other than the breathing one and the grounding one (which helps me so much through traffic, let me tell you).

Even though I have a million and one things to do tonight before I go to sleep, I feel sick to my stomach and need to take a second and compile my thoughts.

I think I need to write “Blog” in my day planner at least once a week. My anxiety is slowly getting worse and I need to use my coping strategies and find an effective outlet for my stresses. I haven’t journaled in a while because I “haven’t had the time” but I need to make the time.

I hope all of you who struggle with anxiety are also finding your outlets.

Have a great rest of the summer. See y’all in a week!

 

Fizzle.

The spark in your soul is dying
Motivation levels sinking
Gasping for air
Unattainable comfort

Where a fire once blazed in your heart is darkness
Cynicism
Bitterness
Cold

Constantly reaching
Missing
Falling
Lost

Tell me how to save you
Faith
Love
Extended courtesy

Let me light the fire in your heart once again
Burning
Loving
Then fizzle.

 

102 Questions to Finish My Week

Almost a month ago, I was re-introduced to the concept of Facebook notes and how they used to be the “in” thing to do. I filled one out and it can be read here.

As this week has been stressful with work, school, and life, I lay here in bed and am brought back to the idea of filling out a “Facebook note” while catching up on Season 5 of Scandal. _1429728214.jpg

So here we go…
Read the rest of this entry

Symbiosis

We waited in the darkness
You sat beside me
Holding my hand
I told you to leave
Leave me here to be alone
Yet you stay here
My faithful guardian

Except you’re not a guardian
You’re not protecting me from anything
You’re hurting me

Don’t you see that?
Or do you know that?
Are you sitting beside me
Holding me tight in your grip
And laughing
Because you have me exactly where you want me?

I’m screaming
And you laugh
You tell me to breathe rapidly
To cry uncontrollably
To stay awake because I don’t need sleep

Why do you get to laugh?
Why do you have this hold over me?

We aren’t friends.
We aren’t partners.
We aren’t even enemies.
We are nothing and we are everything.

Boy Meets Girl.

I knew you when we were nine years old. It was classic case of boy meets girl.

Boy meets girl.

Boy teases girl.

Girl doesn’t like boy.

Boy likes girl.

Girl ends up liking boy.

And our story didn’t end there.

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The Thing About a Broken Heart

The thing about a broken heart is that it never really heals properly. All it takes is a moment and suddenly all the feelings you buried away and thought that you “dealt with” come rushing back in a flood of emotion.

What’s even worse is this isn’t a typical broken heart. A broken heart after a breakup can be healed with the right friends, alcohol, bad chick flicks, food, and “distractions.” This type of broken heart literally feels like there is a hole inside your heart, in a completely irreplaceable kind of way.

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Finding Myself in Mr. Wrong

Grown-up dating sucks. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

It isn’t like when we liked someone we used to sit beside in one of our classes when the magic would just happen and then abra cadabra you were dating. This is total “meet a random guy, maybe go on a date or two, and see how it goes.”

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However, in the few grown-up dates I have been on, I will say they taught me more about myself than I expected. Here is a list of things I learned from guys I have gone on dates with:

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Chicken Soup For the Anxiety-Ridden Soul

Well hello blog, it’s been a while.

Have you ever had a moment where you are laying on your bed, staring at the ceiling, and suddenly it feels as if the walls are caving in on you? You feel a tightness in your chest and your breathing becomes difficult. In other words, they are my precursors to a full blown panic attack (which I have not had in nearly a year).

When I visited my doctor last Wednesday, he was proud of the progress I have made. He says I am cognitively aware of what is making me anxious lately and that is important.

Us anxiety-ridden folk are wired differently than the average human. Here are a few things I have had on my mind:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. Well, I’m proud of the person I am, but I hate the way I look.
  3. Maybe I’ll never find someone who will understand me like I will need them to.
  4. Grownup dating sucks.
  5. I hate dating.
  6. Maybe I’ll give up dating for a while.
  7. Maybe I’ll be alone forever.
  8. I need to exercise
  9. I don’t have time to exercise
  10. Does running away from my feelings count as exercise?
  11. Or running away from my thoughts?
  12. Why can’t I sleep at night
  13. I need sleep.
  14. Work is exhausting
  15. I love my job though
  16. But I need to go back to school
  17. School is going to cost money
  18. I don’t have money
  19. My car has problems
  20. I have to pay for bills and insurance
  21. And my credit card bill makes me want to cry.
  22. Maybe I’ll be broke forever between bills, school, and student loans.
  23. Maybe I’ll volunteer to take my mind off school
  24. Volunteering is taking up all of my spare time
  25. What is spare time?
  26. I don’t have enough time to spend with my mom
  27. What if something happens to my mom just months after my dad passed away?
  28. I’m not ready to face that.
  29. I miss my dad and wish he was here for me to talk to
  30. Especially about things like my check engine light
  31. Or just here to give me a hug when I feel like my world is breaking down.
  32. I can’t breathe.
  33. I have so many things to do and I am behind in all of them
  34. And it’s the summer. Aren’t I supposed to enjoy my summer?
  35. I still can’t breathe.
  36. Okay, maybe I’ll smoke a cigarello to make me feel better.
  37. My doctor says that’s avoidance so it probably won’t help with anything
  38. I shouldn’t start smoking.
  39. I’m crying.
  40. I feel alone.
  41. I don’t know what to do with my life
  42. Or with myself
  43. Maybe laying on the floor will help
  44. My heart is racing
  45. Breathe in… breathe out.
  46. I have emails to check.
  47. I should make a to-do list.
  48. And check my agenda.
  49. I forgot to breathe.
  50. Breathe in…breathe out.

And this is only to name a few. Writing out my thoughts often help and I hate that I have stopped to take the time to do so either here or in my journal. Life isn’t easy. Growing up isn’t easy. And I am in one of the biggest transitional periods of my life. It is okay to stop and take a day or a moment just for me. It’s okay to say no to certain situations. It’s okay to feel anxious. This feeling won’t last forever.

Graduation 2015

Dear Daddy,

I graduate tomorrow. This time from university. All the blood, sweat, tears, and money is all coming to a final close.

And you won’t be here to celebrate with me. Not physically. Not like it’s the first time. You missed my elementary school and high school graduations for a couple different reasons. This time, you get a front row view from heaven.

I wish you were here to tell me to pick a dress that isn’t too short. Or to tell me my highlights look ridiculous and I shouldn’t have wasted my money on them. I think it just makes me really sad that this is the first big life event of many to occur that you won’t get to be there for because you’re gone. And I know you’re with me every step of the way being my guardian angel. I know that, believe me. But I just miss your hugs more than anything in the whole world right now.

So I pray you’ll hold my hand as I walk on that stage tomorrow. Help me stand tall. Make sure I don’t fall and embarrass myself.

I miss you forever and always.

Love,
Your little leftover.

Embracing Authenticity

"Don't be ashamed of your story it will inspire others!"

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“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” — Maya Angelou

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