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I’m getting worse and worse at keeping up with this blog even though lately I have needed to write more than ever.
So much has happened since my last post. I have a new set of clients for work. My location of work has changed. My dad’s 80th birthday (or what would’ve been) just passed. Balancing a social life with school and work has continued to be a challenge.
I don’t do well with change as I’m sure many people with anxiety experience. I stopped going to therapy (even though it was free) because I really disliked my therapist. She was awful. I didn’t feel a connection and I didn’t feel like the strategies she taught me helped other than the breathing one and the grounding one (which helps me so much through traffic, let me tell you).
Even though I have a million and one things to do tonight before I go to sleep, I feel sick to my stomach and need to take a second and compile my thoughts.
I think I need to write “Blog” in my day planner at least once a week. My anxiety is slowly getting worse and I need to use my coping strategies and find an effective outlet for my stresses. I haven’t journaled in a while because I “haven’t had the time” but I need to make the time.
I hope all of you who struggle with anxiety are also finding your outlets.
Have a great rest of the summer. See y’all in a week!
The spark in your soul is dying
Motivation levels sinking
Gasping for air
Where a fire once blazed in your heart is darkness
Tell me how to save you
Let me light the fire in your heart once again
Almost a month ago, I was re-introduced to the concept of Facebook notes and how they used to be the “in” thing to do. I filled one out and it can be read here.
As this week has been stressful with work, school, and life, I lay here in bed and am brought back to the idea of filling out a “Facebook note” while catching up on Season 5 of Scandal.
So here we go…
Read the rest of this entry
I knew you when we were nine years old. It was classic case of boy meets girl.
Boy meets girl.
Boy teases girl.
Girl doesn’t like boy.
Boy likes girl.
Girl ends up liking boy.
And our story didn’t end there.
Grown-up dating sucks. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
It isn’t like when we liked someone we used to sit beside in one of our classes when the magic would just happen and then abra cadabra you were dating. This is total “meet a random guy, maybe go on a date or two, and see how it goes.”
However, in the few grown-up dates I have been on, I will say they taught me more about myself than I expected. Here is a list of things I learned from guys I have gone on dates with:
Well hello blog, it’s been a while.
Have you ever had a moment where you are laying on your bed, staring at the ceiling, and suddenly it feels as if the walls are caving in on you? You feel a tightness in your chest and your breathing becomes difficult. In other words, they are my precursors to a full blown panic attack (which I have not had in nearly a year).
When I visited my doctor last Wednesday, he was proud of the progress I have made. He says I am cognitively aware of what is making me anxious lately and that is important.
Us anxiety-ridden folk are wired differently than the average human. Here are a few things I have had on my mind:
- I hate myself.
- Well, I’m proud of the person I am, but I hate the way I look.
- Maybe I’ll never find someone who will understand me like I will need them to.
- Grownup dating sucks.
- I hate dating.
- Maybe I’ll give up dating for a while.
- Maybe I’ll be alone forever.
- I need to exercise
- I don’t have time to exercise
- Does running away from my feelings count as exercise?
- Or running away from my thoughts?
- Why can’t I sleep at night
- I need sleep.
- Work is exhausting
- I love my job though
- But I need to go back to school
- School is going to cost money
- I don’t have money
- My car has problems
- I have to pay for bills and insurance
- And my credit card bill makes me want to cry.
- Maybe I’ll be broke forever between bills, school, and student loans.
- Maybe I’ll volunteer to take my mind off school
- Volunteering is taking up all of my spare time
- What is spare time?
- I don’t have enough time to spend with my mom
- What if something happens to my mom just months after my dad passed away?
- I’m not ready to face that.
- I miss my dad and wish he was here for me to talk to
- Especially about things like my check engine light
- Or just here to give me a hug when I feel like my world is breaking down.
- I can’t breathe.
- I have so many things to do and I am behind in all of them
- And it’s the summer. Aren’t I supposed to enjoy my summer?
- I still can’t breathe.
- Okay, maybe I’ll smoke a cigarello to make me feel better.
- My doctor says that’s avoidance so it probably won’t help with anything
- I shouldn’t start smoking.
- I’m crying.
- I feel alone.
- I don’t know what to do with my life
- Or with myself
- Maybe laying on the floor will help
- My heart is racing
- Breathe in… breathe out.
- I have emails to check.
- I should make a to-do list.
- And check my agenda.
- I forgot to breathe.
- Breathe in…breathe out.
And this is only to name a few. Writing out my thoughts often help and I hate that I have stopped to take the time to do so either here or in my journal. Life isn’t easy. Growing up isn’t easy. And I am in one of the biggest transitional periods of my life. It is okay to stop and take a day or a moment just for me. It’s okay to say no to certain situations. It’s okay to feel anxious. This feeling won’t last forever.
I graduate tomorrow. This time from university. All the blood, sweat, tears, and money is all coming to a final close.
And you won’t be here to celebrate with me. Not physically. Not like it’s the first time. You missed my elementary school and high school graduations for a couple different reasons. This time, you get a front row view from heaven.
I wish you were here to tell me to pick a dress that isn’t too short. Or to tell me my highlights look ridiculous and I shouldn’t have wasted my money on them. I think it just makes me really sad that this is the first big life event of many to occur that you won’t get to be there for because you’re gone. And I know you’re with me every step of the way being my guardian angel. I know that, believe me. But I just miss your hugs more than anything in the whole world right now.
So I pray you’ll hold my hand as I walk on that stage tomorrow. Help me stand tall. Make sure I don’t fall and embarrass myself.
I miss you forever and always.
Your little leftover.