Author Archives: prettiestpanic

Here We Are

I haven’t written in a long time. Time has escaped me once again, but I don’t feel as if it has been lost.

In fact, I have made good use of my time over the last few months. I have made changes to promote a better well-being for myself.

For one, I have not been afraid to say no. I have accepted change with open arms.

Career-wise, I have stepped into a new role. I am still adjusting to this, but have been so excited to learn and develop my skill set.

I have made more of an effort to catch up with friends I have not seen in a while. I have also taken the time to be by myself when I need it.

I do more things for me. And I have learned there is a difference between being selfish and selfless. This was a hard pill to swallow.

I have zero dating apps on my phone at the moment. Zip. Zero. None. My life is like a cliche, actually. You know how they say “you’ll find someone when you least expect it?” Well, that does happen and sometimes it’s one of your best friends and that is not the worst thing in the world. It’s scary. It’s new. It’s a fruit salad of emotions. But it’s comfortable and exciting and every day gets better and better.

So I haven’t written in a while. Not because I haven’t wanted to but I guess because I haven’t needed to. And that’s okay.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

 

Until next time.

Feeling This

I broke yesterday. I had one of the largest panic attacks I’ve had in a while. My mom saw it for the first time. And she didn’t like it. She literally said to me, “You’re scaring me.”

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Update.

I’m getting worse and worse at keeping up with this blog even though lately I have needed to write more than ever.

So much has happened since my last post. I have a new set of clients for work. My location of work has changed. My dad’s 80th birthday (or what would’ve been) just passed. Balancing a social life with school and work has continued to be a challenge.

I don’t do well with change as I’m sure many people with anxiety experience. I stopped going to therapy (even though it was free) because I really disliked my therapist. She was awful. I didn’t feel a connection and I didn’t feel like the strategies she taught me helped other than the breathing one and the grounding one (which helps me so much through traffic, let me tell you).

Even though I have a million and one things to do tonight before I go to sleep, I feel sick to my stomach and need to take a second and compile my thoughts.

I think I need to write “Blog” in my day planner at least once a week. My anxiety is slowly getting worse and I need to use my coping strategies and find an effective outlet for my stresses. I haven’t journaled in a while because I “haven’t had the time” but I need to make the time.

I hope all of you who struggle with anxiety are also finding your outlets.

Have a great rest of the summer. See y’all in a week!

 

Dark Circles & Dark Cycles

I can’t remember the last time I wrote something like this. June 4th was my last posting and that’s about the time it all went downhill.

I had the first panic attack I’ve had in over a year and a half a week or so ago. I was in a dark place. But I scraped by.

It felt like I was starting over. It still does. Each day, I feel the symptoms I had as a little kid: upset stomach- the awful pit that got me out of gym class one too many times, the headaches, the dizziness. And that’s just the anxiety symptoms.

The thing that sucks about having an anxiety disorder but also suffering from depression is that they do NOT go well together.

Anxiety: “Michelle, you have 500 things to do today. Better get up and do them.”
Depression: “Remember all those things you love doing? Well, you don’t love them anymore. Stay in bed.”

The cycle continues.

I haven’t been able to sleep. The occasional melatonin tablet (don’t take 2 and only sleep 5 hours. Lesson learned), the occasional but increasingly frequent glass of wine, and whatever else it takes has not helped me sleep any better. I have a FitBit now and it has only made me see hard data for me not sleeping well. I used to think I got 8 hours of sleep every night. I’m lucky if I get 6 or 7 most nights. I’m restless throughout the night. Honestly, I’m restless all the time. I’m restless as I write this.

I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to BE better. I have my knowledge and strategies. I have my support.Β The battle is still being fought each second of each day. I know I am stronger than this. I have proved that time and time again. But I feel weak and tired and feeling impatient.

Forever hiding my dark cycles behind my dark circles.

Fizzle.

The spark in your soul is dying
Motivation levels sinking
Gasping for air
Unattainable comfort

Where a fire once blazed in your heart is darkness
Cynicism
Bitterness
Cold

Constantly reaching
Missing
Falling
Lost

Tell me how to save you
Faith
Love
Extended courtesy

Let me light the fire in your heart once again
Burning
Loving
Then fizzle.

 

Dark Cloud

It starts with darkness.

You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.

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Pause.

I haven’t written one of these in a while.

I think for my own well-being, I need to write one of these at least once a week.

I needed to catch up. With life. With myself.

Life has been a juggling act lately. I work my 12 hour shifts. I am completing my Masters part time. I am assisting in the planning of a convention. I am planning an event with another organization. I just need to pause.

FNF – April 27, 2016

Well I haven’t done one of these things in a while so happy Friday!

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Keep On Keeping On

I struggle with body image. If you’ve read past blogs, this is no surprise. Call it a side effect of my anxiety medication. Call it lifestyle changes. Call it whatever you want. But every day when I look in the mirror, a part of me is uncomfortable with the reflection I see.

I have come a long way in the last few years. I have become more secure in my own skin. I feel more comfortable when I look in the mirror than I did two years ago.

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5 Things I’ve Learned About Tinder in the Past 24 Hours

I gave up Tinder (and 4 other dating apps) for Lent. I am unbelievably proud of myself for doing this but I was a little too excited to download them again once Lent ended.

Yesterday morning, I downloaded Tinder again as I laid in bed with no electricity and began my swipe journey.

These are 5 things I learned since being back on Tinder in the past 24 hours

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Embracing Authenticity

"Don't be ashamed of your story it will inspire others!"

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“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” β€” Maya Angelou

Lonely Blue Boy

The Boy Who Cries Wolf

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Feel the fear and do it anyway...