I heard his voice today. In my head. It’s been so long I have almost forgotten what it sounds like.
It happened at church. The priest was reading the gospel and I closed my eyes, just for a moment, and I could hear him tell me one of the many jokes I had heard time and time again before.
So if you’ve been in my inner circle in the past four days (but feels like a lifetime), you’ll know that the most recent event in my life is that I got “ghosted.”
First of all, the fact that “ghosting” is a word in pop culture today makes me want to punch someone in the face. The fact that the action exists makes me even more mad.
Second of all, if you ghost someone, I hate you. There, I said it. It does not make things “any easier” by just shutting them out of your life completely seemingly out of nowhere. It’s one thing to drift away and talk to them less and let the person see it coming. But being blindsided is a pain I cannot explain.
Maybe I’m overreacting (I’m probably overreacting) to the whole situation. I want to describe it all to you. I really do. But honestly, it’s a waste of my time and energy and a waste of yours to read it.
If you are still not entirely sure what ghosting is, see the image below (thanks Google images).
In every way he was perfect. Except that he wasn’t. For me.
Grown-up dating sucks. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
It isn’t like when we liked someone we used to sit beside in one of our classes when the magic would just happen and then abra cadabra you were dating. This is total “meet a random guy, maybe go on a date or two, and see how it goes.”
However, in the few grown-up dates I have been on, I will say they taught me more about myself than I expected. Here is a list of things I learned from guys I have gone on dates with:
In honour of my best friend’s 22nd birthday, it got me thinking about 22 and what the age brings and has brought to me thus far.
The thing about mothers… they know you better than you would like to admit. Even though there is a lot I don’t tell her, her advice always seems to sit with me just right.
I feel empowered. I feel like I could take on the world. I’ve been so restless with my thoughts and my feelings. I guess that happens when you experience the loss I have in the past few weeks. I thought I knew what I was going to do. I know better now.
We want what we want.
We want who we want.
Sometimes we don’t know who or what we want.
Letting go isn’t easy.
Being selfish is okay sometimes.
But we need to know when to be selfish.
I’m sitting this one out.
I’m picking up the pieces
Putting on my walking shoes
And not looking back.
If space was requested,
Space is what will be received.
I’m finding myself
I’m living for myself and myself only
I will be strong.
Life is too short to not take chances
Live for the moment.
I was so concerned about the future,
I stopped looking at the present
And when I did look at the present,
I only saw the negatives.
But even the negatives develop into beautiful pictures.
There is no erase button.
There is no redo button.
We are all entitled to our decisions in life,
So long as we accept that we must live with them.
And I accept this.
I am a survivor.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am a fighter.
And when I feel weak,
I will pick myself back up,
Dust myself off,
And cry it out if that’s what it takes
To become better,
To become wiser,
To become the person I am meant to be.
Today’s blog title is inspired by “Clarity” – John Mayer
I did it!
A year and a half later and I am officially off Zoloft for my anxiety! I am strong enough to face my demons on my own. And I must say, I am so proud of myself.
Looking back at old journals from a year ago, I have changed SO much. My outlook on life was so different. So pessimistic. So empty.
I no longer feel empty. Sometimes, I have my days. Or my moments. Mostly moments over days.
I feel more optimistic for the most part. I rarely cry for no reason. And my relationship with friends and family are improving.
My boyfriend (who I will have a separate blog post about later) has been my biggest supporter and my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without him. My parents have been so loving and caring and supportive (and I was surprised they would be seeing as they didn’t actually think anything was wrong with me initially).
I am free to drink again (in small doses though…empty calories :P). I may have needed help with getting through Panic Disorder, but it is still and always will be with me. I still live with Panic Disorder, I just learned how to live with it better.
So here’s to the next steps in life. Bring it on.