The funny thing about depression is that it consumes you.
I lied. It’s really not that funny.
Do you have a trigger spot? I do. And sadly, it’s the place I love most: home.
It’s unfortunate, really, because I do love my parents. I love being home with them. But honestly, I can’t be here for three hours without feeling a sense of panic. I think it’s because this is the place the roots first started growing and sinking in. I have been classically conditioned to feel agitated here. So I wonder, if this is the case, can I really call this place home?
Today, I wrote my last midterm of my third year of my undergraduate career.
Wait. Let me read that again: third year.
It feels like just yesterday I was moving into residence and falling out of love with chemistry as most seem to do within the first month of Life Sci.
Anyways… that’s besides the point. If I just wrote my last
midterm? term test of third year and end of the year papers are due next week, it can only mean one thing: life is about to amplify in insanity in 3………..2……………………………….1.
Exam season is a trigger.
Side Note: A trigger is an object or situation that can cause your anxiety symptoms to appear.
Tests and papers and journal articles and data and numbers and —
I. Need. To. Breathe.
The pressure of having everything done in what feels like a short period of time frightens me. They say some people work better under pressure, and although I may think that’s true sometimes… not this time.
Not exam season. Symptoms I have not felt in a long time have come back… Yesterday, I thought I was having a heart attack as I clutched my chest at the tightening feeling. It made studying difficult. I feel so distracted by these feelings but I try to make them feel minuscule and not let them overrule my studying.
Today, while last minute cramming for my test, my vision started going blurry. This was one of the first serious symptoms that made me seek clinical help in the first place. I had to close my eyes because I felt so nauseated. And the tiredness is increasing. Each day, regardless of how much sleep I get, I feel tired, exhausted, completely worn out. With exams around the corner, I cannot afford to waste precious time studying to focus my attention on my anxiety symptoms. I refuse to let it control me.
If anyone out there also has anxiety that peaks at this time of year, you are not alone. To those who may not have an anxiety disorder, please be considerate to your fellow students. When you say, “I’m feeling stressed” and I say, “Yeah, me too” and I reply, “No, like..l I’m really stressed. You don’t understand,” I will have the urge to punch you in the face. Those with anxiety have amplified emotions and reactions to various things, even to those that the average joe would not be overly emotional about. Be considerate and empathetic. Here’s a great link going viral on facebook about understanding anxiety: http://themetapicture.com/heres-an-easy-way-to-understand-anxiety/
There’s my little daily rant. Stay strong, it’s almost summer (school-wise, not weather-wise)!
Today’s blog title is inspired by “Demons” – Imagine Dragons.