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Dark Cloud

It starts with darkness.

You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.

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Midnight Rambles

It’s a crisis of confidence.
It’s forgetting the next word of your sentence.
It’s everything.
And it’s nothing.
It isn’t tangible.
It is lost.
It is hidden.

I never get the words just right
I don’t know what to say
I lost myself or so it felt
I watched me slip away

Like a metamorphosis
I grew a thicker skin
I let go of things that held me back
I wouldn’t let things in

And why should I?
I have so many reasons to love my life right now.
And I do.
At times I feel numb.
I cannot open myself up again because I cannot feel.
It’s not that I don’t want to.
Because I do.
I just can’t.
My focus is elsewhere.
My priorities are on everything and anything else.
My career is kicking off.
And I’m killing it.
I am dreaming bigger.
Laughing harder.
Crying less.
And still I am numb.
Not lifeless.
Just numb.
Time freezes yet I hear the ticking of the clock.
Where are you?
You are lost.
You are hidden.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

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The quote above is something my dad has told me over and over since the first time he had a stroke. “If you can’t control it, you shouldn’t worry about it. You can’t change anything.”

That was about 7 years ago. Here I am, at 21 years old and I am still worrying about what I can’t control. I worry more than most. I guess that’s either genetics, or it comes with the diagnosis. Or both. Either way, I am a worrier.

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There is so much I want to say in this blog post. A lot of it, I can’t seem to put into words.

I’m spiraling downwards and I can’t control it. I won’t control it.

I need to worry. Otherwise one day, the inevitable future is going to hit me and I will regret not worrying about it earlier.

Re-reading what I just typed sounds a bit mad, don’t you think? I need to keep worrying so I don’t regret it later? That doesn’t sound like the best idea. 

But the truth is, I don’t know how to feel right now. My thoughts are so rapid and intertwining. Some of them are unrelated but my mind makes them related. This is how my mind is. ALL the time. Moreso now than ever.

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