I broke yesterday. I had one of the largest panic attacks I’ve had in a while. My mom saw it for the first time. And she didn’t like it. She literally said to me, “You’re scaring me.”
I’ve talked about my anxiety openly. I’ve talked about the symptoms I have experienced and have tried to explain how it makes me feel. Like other things in life, unless you’ve experienced it first-hand, it’s hard to explain to others.
For example, here are a list of some of the symptoms I experienced yesterday alone:
- Feeling lightheaded and faint
- Upset stomach
- Racing heart
- Chest pains
- Difficulty breathing
- Feeling detached from my surroundings
- Fear of going crazy
I also went into an anxiety sleep last night where I fall asleep and wake up not remembering falling asleep.
Now let’s mix this with my depression symptoms:
- Losing interest in things I like
- Feeling tired
- Lack of appetite
- Can’t concentrate
- Irritable, short-tempered, aggressive (this was a big one yesterday)
- Feeling numb
It’s so difficult being a person who cares so much most of the time and then later is a person who feels nothing at all, just feels numbness.
On the outside to my peers, I am an outgoing individual who people always point out as someone who smiles all the time. But when they don’t see the other side of me, they don’t get it. My own mother doesn’t get it. It’s hard and it sucks and all we can do is do the best with what we have. Surround yourself with good people. This helps me the most. Have people in your life who understand what it is like. And lean on them if you need to.
I do not look at yesterday as a setback. If anything, it’s a stepping stone forward to becoming a better person. A stronger person. I have flaws (oh god, don’t we all) but I am not flawed.
Here’s to a better tomorrow and a stronger today.
Today’s blog post title is inspired by “Feeling This” – Blink-182