Dark Circles & Dark Cycles
I can’t remember the last time I wrote something like this. June 4th was my last posting and that’s about the time it all went downhill.
I had the first panic attack I’ve had in over a year and a half a week or so ago. I was in a dark place. But I scraped by.
It felt like I was starting over. It still does. Each day, I feel the symptoms I had as a little kid: upset stomach- the awful pit that got me out of gym class one too many times, the headaches, the dizziness. And that’s just the anxiety symptoms.
The thing that sucks about having an anxiety disorder but also suffering from depression is that they do NOT go well together.
Anxiety: “Michelle, you have 500 things to do today. Better get up and do them.”
Depression: “Remember all those things you love doing? Well, you don’t love them anymore. Stay in bed.”
The cycle continues.
I haven’t been able to sleep. The occasional melatonin tablet (don’t take 2 and only sleep 5 hours. Lesson learned), the occasional but increasingly frequent glass of wine, and whatever else it takes has not helped me sleep any better. I have a FitBit now and it has only made me see hard data for me not sleeping well. I used to think I got 8 hours of sleep every night. I’m lucky if I get 6 or 7 most nights. I’m restless throughout the night. Honestly, I’m restless all the time. I’m restless as I write this.
I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to BE better. I have my knowledge and strategies. I have my support. The battle is still being fought each second of each day. I know I am stronger than this. I have proved that time and time again. But I feel weak and tired and feeling impatient.
Forever hiding my dark cycles behind my dark circles.