Dark Cloud

It starts with darkness.

You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.

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I have lost motivation yet I have 500 things on my To Do List.

I’m so tired of fake smiling. Really fucking tired of it.

On the outside, I am calm and composed.
On the inside, I’m shaking. I’m nauseated. The room feels heavy. My heart feels heavy.

I’ve forgotten how to breathe subconsciously.

I tell myself, “in for 3, hold for 3, out for 6. repeat.” I lose count.

My mind is racing and I’m snapping at people. Strangers. Friends. Family.

I have lost interest in the things I love most.

I smoked a cigarillo today. Well, a third of one. The taste made me sick. It lingers on my tongue despite how many times I have tried to brush it away.

I think I’m trying to get myself to just breakdown and let it all go. But my body won’t let me. A couple tears fell but nothing further.

I’m pushing people away.

I’m staring at the computer screen saying, “distract yourself with work. You need to get it done anyways.”

I stare blankly at it and close the lid of my laptop.

I pick up my journal and try speed writing – a CBT technique I learned from therapy. My hand shakes and I only manage to write a few sentences down before throwing the book across my bed.

I lay in the dark room with my eyes closed for a minute, but only a minute before my heart begins to palpitate thinking of the 500 things I have to do.

I fall into self-blame.

The voice in my head is screaming at me, telling me I overdid it. Telling me I’m not good enough. That I fucked up. And my inner dialogue is fighting back saying none of that is true.

And yet I lay here, numb. Unable to feel anything. Unable to pick myself up from this.

I’m at war with myself and I lay on the battlefield torn apart and vulnerable.

 

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About prettiestpanic

Small-town Canadian sorority girl & psychology major embracing her inner Carrie Bradshaw & Mindy Lahiri. Rarely found without a wineglass or caffeinated beverage in hand. Follow me on Twitter (@michguzrat) because odds are, if you've thought about it, I've said it in 140 characters or less.

Posted on May 16, 2016, in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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