It starts with darkness.
You never really understand the dark cloud analogy unless you live it. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it.
I have lost motivation yet I have 500 things on my To Do List.
I’m so tired of fake smiling. Really fucking tired of it.
On the outside, I am calm and composed.
On the inside, I’m shaking. I’m nauseated. The room feels heavy. My heart feels heavy.
I’ve forgotten how to breathe subconsciously.
I tell myself, “in for 3, hold for 3, out for 6. repeat.” I lose count.
My mind is racing and I’m snapping at people. Strangers. Friends. Family.
I have lost interest in the things I love most.
I smoked a cigarillo today. Well, a third of one. The taste made me sick. It lingers on my tongue despite how many times I have tried to brush it away.
I think I’m trying to get myself to just breakdown and let it all go. But my body won’t let me. A couple tears fell but nothing further.
I’m pushing people away.
I’m staring at the computer screen saying, “distract yourself with work. You need to get it done anyways.”
I stare blankly at it and close the lid of my laptop.
I pick up my journal and try speed writing – a CBT technique I learned from therapy. My hand shakes and I only manage to write a few sentences down before throwing the book across my bed.
I lay in the dark room with my eyes closed for a minute, but only a minute before my heart begins to palpitate thinking of the 500 things I have to do.
I fall into self-blame.
The voice in my head is screaming at me, telling me I overdid it. Telling me I’m not good enough. That I fucked up. And my inner dialogue is fighting back saying none of that is true.
And yet I lay here, numb. Unable to feel anything. Unable to pick myself up from this.
I’m at war with myself and I lay on the battlefield torn apart and vulnerable.
Posted on May 16, 2016, in Life and tagged alone, anxiety, anxious, breathe, darkness, depression, feelings, life, mood, motivation, numb, pain, panic, panic attack, Panic Disorder, stress. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.