Confessions of a Former Size Zero

Technology is a beautiful thing. There are so many apps nowadays and built-in features on Facebook that remind you of what you were doing “on this day ___ years ago.”

I love it. TimeHop, for example, reminds me of all the “deep” quotes I used as Facebook statuses way back when. Facebook reminds me awkwardly of pictures with ex-boyfriends I thought I had deleted.

I also hate it. Because it reminds me of what I used to look like.

Four years ago, my sister sat me down and told me she was worried about me because she thought I was “too” skinny.

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And you know, I was pretty tiny. I was too small to donate blood to put it into perspective. Growing up, I had always been really skinny.

Let’s flash forward to four years later, and if you’ve read previous blog posts, you’d know that body image is something I struggle with since being diagnosed with Panic Disorder. Two years ago, there were even rumours floating around in my hometown that I was pregnant because looking at me, I guess that’s what they assumed. Some people lose weight on Zoloft. I was one of the few who gained weight. It destroyed my metabolism. Combine that along with stress eating (because new diagnoses are difficult to cope with) and with Freshman 15 and we have a weight gain of somewhere between 30 and 40 lbs.

Last year, I saw a personal trainer for most of the summer. I lost 15lbs with him and have managed to maintain that weight loss today.  However, my struggle with my body image is something I deal with every day. It affects my mood, my outlook on the day, and affects how I view myself that day.

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This is a picture taken a few days ago by my mom. I love this photo because of the way the light hits me. I hate this photo because it brings light to my insecurities. It was honestly a struggle to post this as my profile picture on facebook. I have been overwhelmed with the positive responses.

The quote I wrote as the caption for this photo was: “Learn to accept change. Strive for better things in your life. Push yourself to be the best version of yourself. Learn to love yourself.”

I tell myself this every day in order to deal with the many hurdles that have been thrown at my life in the past few months, especially. I may no longer be a size 0 and you know, that’s okay with me. I may never be a size 0 and again, that’s okay with me. But I will continue to strive to reach my goals and I am learning to love myself in the way I loved myself before.

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About prettiestpanic

Small-town Canadian sorority girl & psychology major embracing her inner Carrie Bradshaw & Mindy Lahiri. Rarely found without a wineglass or caffeinated beverage in hand. Follow me on Twitter (@michguzrat) because odds are, if you've thought about it, I've said it in 140 characters or less.

Posted on September 7, 2015, in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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