The funny thing about depression is that it consumes you.
I lied. It’s really not that funny.
This is the worst time to feel depressed. I have my final thesis due soon, exams are beginning shortly, and here I am, laying lifelessly on my bed unable to function with the lights on. My motivation is depleted. I have so many thoughts in my head right now that I am literally dizzy. The room is spinning.
I try to close my eyes to sleep but the thoughts are swirling. I can’t take control of them.
In the midst of this, I confess I have come a long way from having this occur almost daily to now where it happens once in a while. Stress triggers it. It flairs my anxieties and I feel the all too familiar feelings that come along with them.
Grief has a funny way of sneaking in there too (as if I didn’t have enough on my mind as it is). It’s been nearly five months. And there is so much I have to say to him. He’s gone and I’m still vying for his approval. I still want to make him proud. I’m so tired of feeling helpless and crying myself to sleep. I pray every night hoping I’ll hear his voice in my dreams. When I wake up, I don’t remember if I did. The cycle continues.
I will get through this. I always do. I am strong enough to do so. I tell myself this every time. But in a moment of weakness, I break down into tears. Just for a minute. Although it consumes me for the moment, I know it won’t forever. This is only temporary.
Posted on April 9, 2015, in Life and tagged alone, anxiety, breathe, confession, confessions, death, depression, feelings, grief, life, loss, panic attack, stress, trigger. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.