9pm Confessions

The funny thing about depression is that it consumes you.

I lied. It’s really not that funny.

This is the worst time to feel depressed. I have my final thesis due soon, exams are beginning shortly, and here I am, laying lifelessly on my bed unable to function with the lights on. My motivation is depleted. I have so many thoughts in my head right now that I am literally dizzy. The room is spinning.

I try to close my eyes to sleep but the thoughts are swirling. I can’t take control of them.

In the midst of this, I confess I have come a long way from having this occur almost daily to now where it happens once in a while. Stress triggers it. It flairs my anxieties and I feel the all too familiar feelings that come along with them.

Grief has a funny way of sneaking in there too (as if I didn’t have enough on my mind as it is). It’s been nearly five months. And there is so much I have to say to him. He’s gone and I’m still vying for his approval. I still want to make him proud. I’m so tired of feeling helpless and crying myself to sleep. I pray every night hoping I’ll hear his voice in my dreams. When I wake up, I don’t remember if I did. The cycle continues.

I will get through this. I always do. I am strong enough to do so. I tell myself this every time. But in a moment of weakness, I break down into tears. Just for a minute. Although it consumes me for the moment, I know it won’t forever. This is only temporary.

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About prettiestpanic

Small-town Canadian sorority girl & psychology major embracing her inner Carrie Bradshaw & Mindy Lahiri. Rarely found without a wineglass or caffeinated beverage in hand. Follow me on Twitter (@michguzrat) because odds are, if you've thought about it, I've said it in 140 characters or less.

Posted on April 9, 2015, in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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