Just don’t let me disappear, I’ma tell you everything.

These are the thoughts that never end. And they go on and on, my friends. Somebody starting thinking them, not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue thinking them forever just because these are the thoughts that never end.

It’s fun to see what children’s songs can be turned into. Simple words. Easy melody. Many variations.

My thoughts are that exactly. Simple words. An easy melody. Many variations.

Sometimes they don’t feel so simple. What’s on today’s agenda? Mother’s Day.


Sunday was mother’s day — a day we show our mothers how much we love and appreciate them. For my mom and I, Sunday was no exception.

I had no negative thoughts until the moment I left home to come back to Hamilton. As I sat on the bus, I tried so hard not to cry. I have only told two other people about it and can’t bring myself to tell other people, even my closest friends. And yet, here I am typing it. Because somehow that seems easier than actually saying the words out loud.

My mom is sick. She doesn’t like to think of it as that. She’s my mom after all — a fighter. For the past year or so, she’s been suffering from dizzy spells, nausea, and extreme fatigue. The day she told me she was going to the Cambridge hospital for tests, I immediately started crying. I knew that people don’t just get referred there. They wouldn’t have referred her if they didn’t have suspicions of bigger things. Over the past year, she has gone to three or four appointments, every few months. That’s another thing about my mom… she’s very secretive -only telling me that she had an appointment but never said how they were or what had happened.

Then one dreaded day, we were watching something on tv in my room and I asked her how her last appointment had gone, and she told me she found out the reason behind her dizzy spells and what not. She has a small tumour on the back of her neck or head or something like that. She says the doctor says there isn’t enough room for the tumour to grow to become cancerous, but it is causing her to feel the symptoms she’s feeling. Everyday she lives with the risk that she won’t wake up when she’s sleeping because the tumour feeds off the oxygen she’s breathing in and at night, she’s the most vulnerable. Otherwise, she’s fine. She knows what’s causing her symptoms and that’s that.

But that’s not just that. Even though, yes, there are positives. I get that. But my dad was always the parent I had to worry about health-wise. Turning 78 this August, having 2 strokes, a heart attack, and congestive heart failure and still kicking to tell the tale, I have had my share of worries for him. But now I have to worry about her too. And it makes me so incredibly sad knowing that any day now, they could both be gone when I thought they would live forever.

I know it’s a lot to think about…and they’re thoughts I should not dwell on. I think of it as being realistic. It’s a very likely possibility and it breaks my heart as I love them so much.

So today, not just Mother’s Day, I am appreciating my mom and everything she has given me. Not just physical things or biological qualities (although I am grateful for both), but things that cannot be seen. Lessons of life, love, and common sense.

And I painfully ask, please don’t leave me.

Today’s blog title is inspired by “Secrets” – One Republic.



About prettiestpanic

Small-town Canadian sorority girl & psychology major embracing her inner Carrie Bradshaw & Mindy Lahiri. Rarely found without a wineglass or caffeinated beverage in hand. Follow me on Twitter (@michguzrat) because odds are, if you've thought about it, I've said it in 140 characters or less.

Posted on May 13, 2014, in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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